Harry Potter & the End of the World

So, there you are, thinking to yourself, I'm not a Harry Potter fan. Is there any reason at all for me to see this movie? Until the full review is ready, here's a summary so you can avoid the theatre but still nod knowledgeably as your Harry-Potter-fan friends rhapsodise, followed up by brief commentary on The Day After Tomorrow, so you can then hide in your survival shelter.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Gary Oldman, David Thewlis, Michael Gambon, Emma Thompson, Robbie Coltrane, and a glimpse or two of Alan Rickman
Director: Alfonso Cuarón, who is not Chris Columbus
MPAA says: PG for frightening moments, creature violence and mild language
Running time: 139 minutes
Release date: June 4, 2004

Harry's third year at Hogwarts, during which he is menaced by Sirius Black, escapee from Wretchedly Evil Wizards Prison, lasts approximately as long as the Trojan War, and goes something like this:

Harry, adolescent wizard: Sucks to be on vacation from school. Oh, good, time to go back to school.
Nazgul: Garrgh.
Harry: (faints)
Dumbledore: I've inherited the role of headmaster.
Lupin: I'm your new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor. Everything about me is suspicious.
Snape: (stalks in, glowers)
Outside Food Critic: Whee! Alan Rickman! In black!
Hagrid: (is big)
Malfoy: (is whining git)
Lady in painting: (is played by Dawn French)
Hippogriff in CG: (is seriously cool)
Hippogriff in animatronics: (is seriously lame)
Sekrit map: (is pretty)
Orlando Bloom: (is not in this movie, but is seriously pretty)
All Hell: (breaks loose)
Harry: Andway apzay! (miracle occurs)
Ron: Bloody hell!
Nazgul: Garrrgh.
Lupin: My deep dark secret is both obvious and a thinly veiled metaphor.
Sirius Black: (explains plot)
Outside Food Critic: (looks for someone to ask whether there are any... cousins in this movie)
Ron: Bloody hell!
Snape: (glowers)
Outside Food Critic: whee!
Nazgul: Garrrrrgh! Isn't anyone paying attention?
Harry: Akefay atinlay! (miracle occurs)
Ron: Bloody hell!
Hermione: (saves day)
Harry: (flies broom into camera)
Credits: (are pretty, but extremely long, with a minor Easter Egg at the end and a kind of nifty bit if you keep an eye out for "the Owlery")
Box office: (rakes in the moolah)

If my summary seems disjointed, it's because I couldn't make out the logic of the plot even after one of the characters spent several minutes explaining it.

To quote (or possibly paraphrase) Hermione when Harry says it all makes sense: "No, not really."

The Day After Tomorrow
Starring: Dennis Quaid, Jake Gyllenhaal, Emmy Rossum, Ian Holm, Dash Mihok, three of the Four Horsemen, a cute dog, and a pack of badly animated wolves
Director: Roland Emmerich
MPAA says: PG-13 for intense situations of peril
Running time: 89 minutes
Release date: May 28, 2004
Product placements: Wendy's and the Weather Channel (seriously)

The end of the world goes something like this:

First half of movie: All hell breaks loose, and it looks fabulous.
Second half of movie: People are cold.

Oh, and Canada is eaten by a hurricane. Woe, Canada.

Posted by OutsideFood at June 4, 2004 11:59 PM

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